Ease into Conversations and Recognize Biases
Welcome to Dr. D’Arienzo’s TwogetherinTexas Premarital Course! The course is virtually free for you based upon the big discount you will receive for your Texas marriage license by taking our $23.97 course, and you will avoid the three day wait. We here at D’Arienzo Psychology are excited to help you take this next step toward marital happiness and success, and want to help deepen your relationship with your future spouse. Keep reading for Dr. D’Arienzo’s Ease into Conversations and Recognize Biases:
Start softly, end softly. When a couple has to discuss something that’s a challenge, often the conversation begins on a sour or harsh note. Beginning in a calm fashion usually sets the stage for whether your partner is going to be flooded or not. Ease into conversations. Be willing to reset and pause if you need to start over. When I initiated a difficult conversation with Erica that I know will upset her, I first gently talk about being afraid of her when I was a teenager because she was (and still is) so assertive and strong. I will make fun of it now and say something like, “Erica, this is why I used to be afraid of you. Can you say it differently? Start over.” Because I will flood pretty quickly, and then the conversation goes nowhere if I don’t use humor and ease into it. Remember that if you start softly you will end softly!
Negativity bias comes up a lot in my practice with couples as well. When you are already feeling very negative about the relationship or you are flooded, you are inclined to err on the side of caution or what I call, the side of self-protection. So, when the person does something negative or says something negative, you see that person in a negative light again. It just reaffirms how you view them. Part of this comes from the fundamental attribution error, which is the error that we make in understanding the intent of someone’s behavior. This error holds that when I do something great, it is because of my internal traits and abilities. And when I make mistakes, it’s because a situation or outside force caused it. When my relationship is great, I see my partner’s behavior as big a result of who they are as a person and when they make mistakes, I give those situational causes. But when things are not going well in the relationship, I flip that script in my mind and start to believe that when my partner makes a mistake that is because of who they are—because of their unchangeable character traits and their flaws.
In the same vein, when my partner does something good, I blame it on the situation and explain it away. The truth, of course, is that everyone’s behavior is generated from both situations and internal character traits. We have to be able to honestly and reasonably interpret the intent of the other person’s behavior to be fair. Of course, in a happier relationship we are a little deluded about our partner just as we are about ourselves, thinking that our good deeds are due to internal traits while our failings are due to situations. In session, after I’ve explained this attribution error, the couple naturally provides lots of examples in the room of them making this error, and then we rehearse those scripts or create ones that are more reasonable. I’ll say, “What are other explanations for his behavior,” or, “What else could she have meant by that?” Getting them to do that helps reinterpret things with less flooding or negativity, and they hopefully see their partner again how they used to in the past when things were much brighter.
Taking a premarital education course is vital for equipped couples to share a lifetime of marital bliss and happiness. D’Arienzo Psychology wants to help you prepare for your life together. Dr. Justin D’Arienzo is our Board-Certified Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert. Dr. D’Arienzo has serviced this course to couples since 2013. Hundreds of couples recommend our course and claim that it has helped set a solid foundation for marital success. Research suggests that couples who take a premarital preparation course gain an advantage over couples that do not take a premarital preparation course.
Dr. D’Arienzo wanted to develop a fully efficient, online, fully automated, fun premarital course that teaches couples how to work together. Dr. D’Arienzo has perfected all of our exercises and information to ensure that couples gain the knowledge they need. He also offers this course to couples planning on tying the knot in Florida, Georgia, Texas, Tennessee, South Carolina, Oklahoma, and Minnesota.
Do you want to lead a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime? Do you want to have fun and gain inside knowledge about marriage from a leading psychologist? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then our TwogetherinTexas Online Premarital Education Course is right for you! You can learn more about our Texas Online Premarital Preparation Course Here.
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